"Not"

I’m fascinated by language. Consider how, as hominids, at some point we came down from the trees, something changed in our voice box, and poof, we were able to utter sounds. From there - in a long series of ideas, inventions, and improvements - derived literature, songs, and even my ability to send you this email and you reading it.

Amazing!

Language is so central to the human experience that it may be considered a corner stone of human nature. Philosopher Noam Chomsky makes this argument here.

I’m currently very interested in the practical application of language.

It’s fascinating how words shape who we are - and how that feeds back into how we speak about ourselves. It can be a vicious or virtuous cycle.

A couple of years ago, I did a year-long training course as a coach. It was wonderful, because we learnt a lot about the human psyche and how humans orient themselves in a complex, often challenging world - and how to support them in that.

My favourite teacher at the time made a point that has stayed with me for years.

He taught us about the power of the word “not”.

At the time, I learned that our subconscious skips the word “not” when processing input. So the thing you want to avoid becomes the thing that enters your mind.

He had a really helpful example for this.

When he was at the playground with his kids, one of them was climbing quite high on the jungle gym. Cautious about the height they were climbing at, he wanted to warn them and said: “Don’t fall off.”

Guess what happened?

Standing right next to his kid, he said he saw their tiny hand open. Their subconscious had skipped over “not” and immediately, within microseconds, the muscles executed on a command that was the opposite of what he had meant. Fortunately, he was able to catch the kiddo before they fell.

A better way to phrase this, he shared, would have been to say something like: “Hold on tight.” That was the intent of what he had wanted to communicate, anyways - hold on tight, so you stay on the thing.

Here is where it gets interesting.

Have you noticed how often in everyday life you say the opposite of what you want in combination with not?

An example:

“I don’t want to be at home for New Year’s.”

Meaning: I want to be somewhere outside of my house that evening, preferably at a fun party with people I like.

Instead of stating it directly, we use the inverse of our desire to express what we want.

When I started watching my language, I was pretty shocked. I spoke like that so often and much of it happened automatically. Observing other people, I’ve noticed many, many others did it, too.

Accidentally, you keep affirming the opposite of your intents and desires to yourself and the world. And oddly, you keep going in circles in life.

Why do we do that? I suppose we may be concerned about the reactions of other people: somebody raining down on your parade or discouraging you from your plans. Maybe, it’s also a way to protect ourselves from the disappointment that may come with a wish that stays without its realization. If you avoid saying what you want directly, you avoid feeling bummed when it falls through.

I now intend to be very mindful of the language I use. Sometimes, it passes me by, especially in situations where I react instinctively. With practice, it’s gotten easier to communicate to myself and others in a manner that’s more intentional and precise.

As an added benefit, it’s a very fun word puzzle to play when you’re looking for alternative ways to phrase things. I enjoy that a lot. It’s a proper brain jog.

Language shapes who we are. Better to take advantage of it in a positive way.

Here’s to playing with words,

Johanna

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